As she entered the office and passed his desk it felt as if with every footstep she was stepping on his stomach, callously treading upon his feelings with oblivious intent. It was at this juncture that he knew it was different. He knew he had let his guard down and let his feelings interfere where they should otherwise lay dormant.
Four weeks earlier the four left on a business trip to Las Venturas, the desert town built on the gambling failures of millions. The fastest growing state in the US saw many a convention bringing in millions of dollars to help bolster the already booming economy.
The convention they were in town for was for the annual Kitchenware show and lasted four days.
Michael adored Anna. Before the trip if you had asked him “name one person you like and trust implicitly at the company” he would have said Anna. In a second. Several times a week he would go out of his way just to enter her office and discuss kitchenware issues that could have been easily solved with a mere phone call. Being friends, close ones in his eyes, warranted more and he went that little further because he cared. He really cared.
At the end of the week after the convention Michael, Bernice and Anna agreed to go and look at some half price tickets at the mall for one of the shows on the Las Venturas strip.
Making a brief detour they entered the restaurant and Anna proclaimed to the waitress “we want to sit outside” “there is only one table and with two seats outside” replied the young American woman. “that’s fine” said Anna. As the two ladies took their seats Michael just stood there, scanned around then shared “you know what, I’m going to go find out how much the tickets are” “pull up another chair” one of them declared. Michael left to find the ticket booth slightly dejected having to tell himself in his head ‘I’m wrong to think that it’s weird they sat at a table with only two seats’ being slightly neurotic and usually feeling unwanted were side effects of his offbeat mannerisms and results of a miserable childhood. Yet, with this seemingly innocent event began his slow decent down the stairs of his biggest vice, it was the first step of his latest bout of depression.
Upon returning to the restaurant one of them had stolen a chair from somewhere. This made him smile for a second. He began “Don’t tell Martin” who was there boss “But I went to a strip club last night. I won so much money at Craps that I had to blow some on something. But don’t tell him because he’ll think that I was pocketing the chips that he gave me.” The previous night Martin, Michael’s generous boss gave him some chips as he was pretty much out of money and when he won money using the aforementioned betting currency he would repay the debt and continue gambling with the winnings. Sharing this story he pointed out that if Martin knew about the strip club he may think that we has pocketing the chips that he kindly shared. This story he shared with the women in confidence. Picking up the bill he paid for their food as a kind gesture to show his affection and waste some more of his winnings. “You don’t have to do that” both Anna and Bernice commented. “no, it’s OK I want to” said Michael and as a throwaway comment he added “as long as you give me hugs and compliments” in his jovial way, not a second passed and Anna shared “no, I’m not like that” with the coldest most impersonal tone, a deadpan voice that she meant as a direct response to an otherwise fun comment. As they left the eatery this comment really bothered Michael, but he couldn’t work out why.
The ladies entered the Mall adjacent to the restaurant and began shopping as Michael followed suit watching as they happily tried clothes on in one shop that had a big soft chair that he just sank into as he waited for them. The dim lighting of the shop embraced him as he sat there listening to the slow sombre music of Neil Young’s Heart of Gold that play throughout the store, he didn’t know it at the time but he was slowing descending further down the stairs of depression. As the minutes passed he really started to hope that they would just leave and not even realise he was still there. He could have sat there for the rest of the day, eyes shut just soaking in the solemn harmony that flood his ears. “Michael, we’re going” Bernice said.
As they entered another shop Michael sat outside feeling miserable, this flood of emotion washing over him suddenly. What was the deal? Bernice exited the shop and sat beside him. “I’m going to go, I feel really down” Michael opened up in a moment of rare weakness. After Anna came of the shop Bernice shared Michael’s sentiment with Anna. “Maybe it’s because you have no friends” said Anna, Michael just looked at her obviously hurt “here I mean, like Joe from work” all three exited the mall.
Outside Michael stood in the shade looking at the two hidden behind two panes of plastic covering his grey, green and blue multicoloured eyes. Bernice took pity and put her arm round him, Anna left walking toward the sun of the north end of the strip and Bernice joined her.
Michael strolled across the sidewalk in the opposite direction feeling empty and alone, his eyes filled with tears shielded only by his sun glasses and a façade unlike his usual cloaked demeanour, here he was showing rare vulnerability. As he climbed each step carrying him toward the bridge, which safely transported him from one side of the bustling road to the other he felt deep sadness, which was strange since this wasn’t brought on by an earth shattering climax nor a pivotal event merely a couple of small nuances.
His eyes welled up as he finally admitted to himself that he really liked Anna, more than he even knew and the coldness of a couple of no doubt oblivious actions on her part hurt so bad. He thought back to times that they shared both in and out of work, social and business. Did he really even know this person that he thought, cared and even dreamt about? He felt such ambivalence toward her.
Michael switched his phone off and made plans to see his boss later that night at MargaritaTown. He entered his hotel room and sat alone.
A few hours passed and Michael met Martin at MargaritaTown. “So I hear you went to a strip club last night” ‘their both out of the loop’ he though to himself, the one thing I asked not to mention, mother fuckers. Michael proceeded to jump down a few more metaphysical depressive steps.
He saw Anna and Bernice again once or twice as the night progressed but didn’t really converse nor acknowledge them. He finds it easier to ignore situations like this rather than face them head on solving and fixing the problem.
The final day Michael didn’t see either of them despite trying to call both, assuming he had a friendly relationship with both why would they make any attempt to extend the proverbial hand of friendship?
The following day at the airport he kept himself to himself stewed in his own misery, why did a short business trip result in a depression that would take weeks to pass?
Michael stopped visiting Anna and not surprisingly she made no attempt to reciprocate the friendship. He felt like every relationship in Michael’s life replicated this one, maybe that’s why it hurt so much.
Placing the headphones over his ears he listened to Smashing Pumpkins ‘That’s The Way My Love Is’ for what felt like the sixteenth time. Glancing over the isle of flight D104 he looked at Anna with despondent eyes wondering why it hurt so much.
He knew he was being petty and even silly toward his former friend. He knew he was wrong, but this was one relationship too many like this for him to handle. Four weeks passed and she hadn’t even spoke to him once, what was her problem?
Then one night, many months later he realised, it was a good thing. You can’t get too close to the people you work with or in his case. Anyone. Ever.
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